PARENTING YOUR TEENS

All parents want what is best for their kids no matter what their age, we want them to have the best we can possibly offer. Parenting teenagers however, is a different kind of challenge. Not only we are sometimes unsure about what is the best, we are dealing with teens, who often have strong ideas of their own about what is best for them. The art of successful parenting of teenagers is the relationship we form with them. Building a relationship of mutual respect, love, understanding, provide support, consistency, structure and limits – these are the foundations of effective parents. A survey carried out by the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health reported that “teenagers who have emotional attachment to their parents and teachers are much less likely to use drugs and alcohol, attempt to suicide, engage in violence or become sexually active at an early age…feeling loved, understood and paid attention by parents helps teenagers avoid risky activities, regardless if a child comes from one or two parent family.” I would like to share with you three ‘R’s to help raise your teens with love and understanding.

Respect – the word respect comes from the Latin word ‘respectere’ which means to look again. It is to see him or her, not for the behaviour, or the action, or the things that infuriate you, but for the person inside, the person that God made with love. Both parents and adolescent want and need respect. We are children of God. We have an inherent dignity. Teenagers feel respected when you listen to them, take them seriously and treat them with dignity and worth. Teenagers hate it when parents say “What do you know? “You are so young” comments like this discount them. It is true that they do not have much wisdom and life experience as adults do. However, they do know their reality, they have their feelings and they are formulating their own separate opinions.

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Reconciliation– The word reconciliation comes from the Latin word reconcilio which literally mean to walk with again. When we or our kids do something to hurt the relationship, there is distance between us to walk with again. Reconciliation involves admitting your mistake. It includes asking for forgiveness of those you have wronged, as well as forgiving those who have wronged you. Reconciliation is a Sacrament of rebirth which acknowledges that all of us are imperfect and in need of healing. Initiating reconciliation is not a sign of weakness, but a statement of hope and love. By admitting your mistake, you let your kids know that your authority is not based on being a perfect parent. We can do this by initiating a dialogue, honestly say I am sorry and talk about what you have learned and what you are willing to do differently next time.

Role-model – Myra Barbeau once said “The really tough thing about being a parent is that you have to be the sort of parent you want your children to become.” The word parent comes from the Latin word parens which means source. We are the source to our children’s biological being. We are also the source of much of what they know about the world and how they view it. Albert Schweitzer was asked what advice he would give about being an effective parent. “I can give you three words of advice” he replied, “The first is ‘example’, the second is ‘example’, and third is ‘example’.” By our ‘example’, we are teaching our kids constantly. Teaching with words is very important, but it is not enough. When our words and actions are congruent, when what we do matches what we say we are sending our children a very strong message. If we want our kids to use less social media and phone time, how much time are we spending on the phone and social media applications?

Parenting is like gardening. By cultivating the soul of your relationship with your teenager – by adding more of the nutrients of love and care which is done with respect and reconciliation and the sunlight of a positive role model – you will experience a fruitful harvest.

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Fr. Ashwin Castellino is an Assistant Parish Priest at St. Michael’s Church, Mahim and a Counsellor at Snehalaya Family Service Centre.